Phases

Who knows why certain subjects interest me and then not after a few months...it seems to be a pattern that has ran through my whole life....
...one day I will just wake up and poof....something will catch my eye or I will get this sudden urge to just start writing or filming or taking photos...
I really have no control over it.
That's the kind of person that I am. I have to be in the mood. Creativity is as easy as buttering a slice of bread...but, if I'm not in the mood....why bother. I won't do it.

Today I feel like writing. I don't know why.

I had an allright Christmas....if anyone is curious...as good as it gets I always say....or another way of looking at it is "it couldn't get any worse". I don't really care for Christmas. I won't say that I absolutely hate it....but I really don't care for it anymore. Before you go calling me a scrooge.....let me explain.
Ever since the divorce, ten years ago....I haven't cared for Christmas. I completely lost my family. I haven't been able to share Christmas with anyone, with any sort of joyful emotion since....so now you know WHY I don't care for Christmas. I also really don't care for all the commercial bullshit that goes on...you buy me a expensive present...and then I feel OBLIGATED to reciprocate. I've always been that way. If someone gets me something...if I don't have something of equal or greater value to offer them in return...then i will feel just miserable.
I could go on and on about how the annoying Christmas songs rip into my skull like a red hot axe....and the stinky man who smells like cheese and ass, wearing mismatched clothes ringing his friggin toy bell in front of the Wal Mart...
I know, I know...I should feel sympathy for them....but let me tell you....I don't.
Maybe I am a cold hearted mean ol man with a shriveled sliver of a heart that's barely pumping the ice cold blood through my selfish veins.
Look at it this way....couldn't officials at Wal Mart find someone more pleasing to look at when standing outside and ringing the bell? Or...maybe that's exactly what they want.....someone who LOOKS like a bum....so possibly, maybe, you might just have sympathy for the poor wretched fool....and then you would empty out your pockets accordingly....depending on how "bumified" the bell ringer appeared.
They have the words so well rehearsed, ...."Hello Sir...Merry Christmas....would you like to give some change for the unfortunate today? A donation to the Salvation Army? Thank you sir, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" If they only knew I was trying to shimmy past them with my super invisible powers...sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. When the super powers work, I silentley think to myself....YES! I'M INVISIBLE! fuck you... Mr Bum Bell Ringer.....I bet you can't wait until no one is looking so you can shove your arm into the dangling red pot and pilfer away a few dollars for some ripple later in the evening.
I may be going to Hell for my evil thoughts...but then again so is he for stealing from the donation pot.
( by the way, I NEVER shop at Wal Mart during the Christmas season...and if I can help it, i ALWAYS AVOID shopping there. I prefer to do my shopping at Target. The stores are monumentally cleaner....and everything is easy to find. Trying to find Q tips while walking through the SUPER FUGGIN GIGANTIC WAL MART literally takes up way too much time unless I have a state map of the local Wal Mart or if I know exactly where the items are....and I never do. I'm not a lollygagger, I get in, get what I want, then get out.)

Today I received a phone call informing me that I had won a FREE pizza. A new pizza store had just opened up and I signed up for the contest while waiting in line to try out some of this pizza. Papa Murphy's. They make it for you, and you take it home and cook it. The pizza was allright....for the money....about half the amount of delivery....but it just didn't have the same taste as delivery. It tasted like one of them frozen pizzas...except it wasn't frozen.

The girl at the register taking my order had the most beautiful eyes....as you all know...I'm a sucker for brown eyes.....she was nice to me, a little flirty.....and I know I really shouldn't be ogling girls half my age just because they are nice to me....but if I was ten years younger, I would have asked her out on the spot. I can't really do that shit anymore. I have to at least appear responsible...right? I'm old enough to be her dad....but man o man....the way those eyes were twinkling at me...I would have just done about anything to hold her in my arms at that very moment....is that weird? To want to do that with a complete stranger? argh.....I know...I'm weird. I think weird, I do weird things, but I'm no pervert. I'm not apologizing for anything.

The YouTube fascination has run it's course. I'm sure I'll make more vids sometime...just not at the moment....I feel like writing, not filming.

I go away for awhile and be by myself....I think alot....I like being alone at times. I go through phases....I don't know why...it usually lasts about a few months...and then something new takes it place....but I always seem to keep a hold on what interested me previously.

I also have this uncontrollable urge to completely be MYSELF ~ ME ...I'm not going to mince my words just so I hope that you all think of me as someone who I am not. I am me. I'm not nice all the time, sometimes I can be a complete asshole. That's me....the occasional asshole....just as I'm sure there are people reading these very words who are not who they portray themselves to be on these blog pages. If need be, I will apologize when necessary....but I like it that way....shoot from the hip and apologize later.
Live in the moment, say what you want to say, not being afraid of saying what comes to mind. I'm not going to intentionally TRY to piss someone off...but it may happen along the way from time to time.

It's good to be back.....I think. (let's see how this goes)