The Genius of Steven Wright

~99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

~A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

~All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering ~them with ice cubes.
~All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

~Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

~Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

~Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

~Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

~Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

~Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

~Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

~For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
~Half the people you know are below average.

~How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

~I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

~I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

~I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

~I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

~I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

~I invented the cordless extension cord.

~I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

~I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

~I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

~If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

~It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

~Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

~My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

~Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

~The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

~There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

~Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

~What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

~What's another word for Thesaurus?

~When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

~What is the speed of dark?

~You don't know what you've got until its gone. I wanted to know what I had - so I got rid of everything.

~I can levitate birds. No one cares.

~I'll have a small Pepsi, in a large cup, and just fill it up the rest of the way.